after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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