Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
