I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
