I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
