if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
