I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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