i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
