He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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