Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
