Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The best revenge is premature balding
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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