I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
