don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
