You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
