How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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