my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
