sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize