I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
