so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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