Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
