My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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