If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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