You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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