I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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