FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
