I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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