Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize