There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
