he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
