DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
