Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
