I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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