the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize