I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
