What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
