stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I have fence marks all over my body
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
