so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
