I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
