It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Drake has all the answers
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
