I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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