you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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