What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
