I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize