omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
