I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
