she looked like the before picture.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
