I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
