Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
