My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
