He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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