Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
