Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
