wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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