I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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