Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
