Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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