you would pick up someone in the library
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
